5/5/04
I was reading my writing from the last entry. I know I was half sleeping when I wrote those last two paragraphs. They’re quite interesting actually. I recall I definitely clued into some message, but it’s not quite clear what I got. I think it had to do with me thinking there was no value in my writing so there hasn’t been any value. Think it and it is. More interesting to me is the next paragraph which I don’t recall writing at all. I wonder what the word loop (or the sentence) is supposed to be?
Today I do not want to be a project leader anymore. I feel like a necessary evil. I feel like what I do is being ‘pushed’ on the company. I feel like I have to do everything twice and then follow-up on it again. I feel like I have to talk about things, and then talk about them again. Then I find out that it’s something different again. I speak a different language than most of the people I work with. I am tired of that. I would be quite happy right now in a customer service rep where I had the power and option to really help people. Like it was a the satellitte company I worked at for awhile before Be & Jerry’s. I hear the OnStar commercials on the radio frequently now. I think I would like that job - being one of the people on the phone. I wonder how much of that is boring and how much is interesting.
An aside here - I would still love to be a singer. I think my voice has changed since I quite smoking. I think I should go try it out somewhere, but I’m not sure where. I wonder if Chas and the people he jams with would really let me try it out with them. I have a lot of fear and nervousness to get over. Or rather that I need to replace with some confidence. IF I am any good actually. Maybe I Should go rent some space and record some karaoke. I wonder if there’s a place around here to do that. There was a place at one of the amusement parks that we went to down south. Wonder if we’ll do an amusement park this year.
Edwin McCain is playing and the song is our wedding dance song. I still absolutely love this song. It’s called I Could Not Ask for More.
Rob came in here to watch TV and it’s been maybe 5 minutes and he’ sleeping already. Same for both of us last night. Falling asleep is a rather interesting event. I don’t think I ever remember falling asleep or experience falling sleep. Or experience sleep for that matter. What I experience is the waking up part and how I feel when that happens. So where do I go that I don’t have those memories? I do remember dreams - is that the same thing? My dreams have been really busy and full of information and/or processing lately, but I can’t remember any more than that. No details . I should try so that I can get whatever message keeps trying to get through. I do have the sense that when I understand these dream messages, they will go away. I may just be short on sleep too. I’ve been getting less than 8 hours of sleep lately at night. I wonder how many I actually need?
That reminds me for some strange reason, that I keep getting really sleepy when I am driving. I’m not taking and medicines that I think should cause that. I suppose I should check a little deeper on what could be causing this problem. I wonder if it’s the same as what Mom experienced not so long ago. I forgot to ask her tonight. Dang. Wish I had remembered.
I think it’s time to go. It would still take me awhile to get it all out of me.
One thought I was wondering about - ummmm man I can’t remember a lot of things. I think it’s getting worse. That piece I don’t understand.
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